Time to Talk: How to Discuss End-of-Life Plans with Your Loved Ones

Despite the conversations we have for all kinds of life events, we rarely talk about our end-of-life. In fact, we are more likely to have conversations about sex and drugs than talk about what’s to happen after we die.

There may be some discomfort at first, but if we can acknowledge that death is a part of life and will happen to us all, the benefits of having these conversations will far outweigh the momentary discomfort we feel. And, it will make everyone’s life a little easier later on.

Is there a right way or time to bring up the subject? No, but the following ideas may help you choose when and how to get the conversation started.

Share a story you heard in the news or from another person. Bring the subject up by starting with something like: “I just heard _____, and it got me thinking about my own situation.” Explain what happened and how it inspired or motivated you.

Start your own end-of-life planning efforts and share what you’ve done. You can start the conversation by stating something like: “I just started working on my _____ (will, health care power of attorney, My Life and Wishes account), and it was easier than I expected. But most of all, I feel so much better.” Describe why and how you started, as well as how it makes you feel, and invite your loved ones to get started on their own planning.

Blame it on your advisor or physician. If you’re working on your own planning, you may find you need information or help from another family member. This is a good opportunity to say: “I’m working on _____ and my _____ (attorney, financial advisors, physician, etc.) needs _____. In this situation, you’re bringing it up because you need some information, but you can further the conversation by asking: “I hope I don’t upset you, but have you done any or thought about your own planning? I’m only asking because I would want to know how to honor your wishes.”

If you are worried your message won’t be clear if you bring it up verbally, try writing down what you want to say in a letter and then ask your loved ones to read what you’ve written. Have an open, honest discussion after everyone has had a chance to read your letter through. Recording a video message works well too.

Finally, take the focus off of you or any one individual, and make the conversation about the entire family. Encourage everyone to plan ahead, expressing the reality that we never know what tomorrow will bring.